


playing with fire

by Lucien_Carter



Category: Mamamoo, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2020-10-10 19:48:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20533601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lucien_Carter/pseuds/Lucien_Carter
Summary: They are worlds apart, but Jeongguk just can’t help himself when it comes to her. Especially late at night when he lies restless in his bed all good reasons on why they should never be anything but distant acquaintances seem to be forgotten and the only thing left, is the thought of how he would give up everything just to have her right next to him. (A Jeongguk/Hwasa fanfic)





	1. 1

Hey  
So this is a Hwasa/Jeongguk fanfiction. Don’t take the ship too seriously.   
I just like both groups and wanted to write about an unusual pairing.   
English is not my mother tongue, so if anyone is willing to read over it I would be very happy. (I am sorry for all the mistakes I’ve already made.)   
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------

There was only a difference of two years between them, but it felt like they were worlds apart.   
He hated her, hot burning anger inside of him, every time when he tried not to look at her, but couldn’t help himself, failed miserably.   
She was everything. When she was there no room for oxygen was left. She always made him forget how to breath properly, how to function correctly. 

Her sudden laughter made his stomach turn upside down. Out of reflex he wanted to turn his head, see her, absorb every little detail of her, but he knew there were fancams,   
one time too often and they would start to suspect. Suspect something that wasn’t there, but god how he yearned for it, for her.   
“See me”, he screamed without opening his mouth. Normally he always got what he wanted. He was young and reckless and a bad loser.   
But she – she was different. There was a reason they called her fatal. One look into her eyes and one turned to stone.   
And he had learned from his past mistakes, had grown as a person, had tamed the beast inside of him that wanted to grab what wasn’t his without thinking about anyone else. 

He looked at the men walking next to him, his friends - no his brothers. They were what was most important to him, they and the stage meant the world to him.   
And therefore he had to leave her alone – because he knew he would not only singe his fingers grasping for her, but burn his whole world to the ground. 

The sudden scream of an especially enthusiastic fan, interrupted his brooding thoughts and catapulted him back to realty, back to the ending stage and the constant flashing of thousands of cameras pointed at them. Quickly he plastered a smile on his face. No one had to know, that he felt more like throwing up, punching, breaking, destroying something. 

“You know it looks like smiling would cause you incredible pain? What’s the matter?”

Jin was grinning mischievously at him, but Jeongguk knew him well enough to see the concern clouding his eyes. 

“I’m fine, I- I just-” -And there was it again her laughter, bright and so full of joy - and this time he lost the fight. His head just automatically turned to where she was standing. It was just a fraction of a second until he had himself under control again, but it was long enough to reveal himself to the older.

“It seems like she is on a mission to make as many men and women fall in love with her as possible – judging by your behavior, successfully so.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”. 

Jin raised his eyebrow “Really?” He asked mockingly.

“Really. I was just impressed by her stage presence. She’s good. That’s all.”   
That was quite an understatement. The truth was apart from maybe their own performance she got the loudest screams today and the longest applause.

“If you say so, but you know – you could always talk to her, instead of ogling her like a love drunken teenager.” 

To his hyung’s luck his reflexes were faster than Jeongguk’s fist. (- sometimes he was just so predictable)

Hwasa had looked and sounded especially fatal today on stage in her black lingerie and with her silky voice - dangerously so.   
But even later when she had thrown on an oversized blazer and sat quietly next to Wheein, he still couldn’t handle her.   
She had made him to a hopeless drunkard absorbing her like she was the alcohol he so longed for.   
It was just her shear presence. She radiated light. She was like the sun, even when not looking directly at her, he always knew she was there.

“She wouldn’t be interested anyway.” He said trying to sound as if this was nothing of importance to him.

Jin looked seriously at him. “Did you ask her?”

“I don’t have to. I just know.” 

They didn’t fit. He was sure of it. He wasn’t that type of man woman like her loved. This kind of guy who is always the better person, considerate of others, affectionate and openly loving.   
Who is charismatic in a quiet and subtle way, who speaks eloquently, who owns this certain kind of power which is always present but rarely used. 

He does not have any of these qualities. Just because he would sacrifice everything for the people most important to him doesn’t mean that he suddenly started to place the well-being of others in general over his own. He learned to restrain his ego when it comes to the members (and of course his family) and there is no one more protective about them than himself, but that doesn’t make him into a more kind, more considerate person. Not that he isn’t respectful and well- mannered. He can be charming if he wants to, but still there is this reckless, unapologetic side to him – he just knows she wouldn’t like it and he couldn’t handle rejection, not when it comes from her.

“If you say so…but you’ll never find out if you don’t try.”


	2. Chapter 2

He doesn’t see her for a month. They have a full packed schedule and he is relieved and disappointed at the same time that she only haunts him in his dreams.  
And then just like that, out of the blue she runs into him, literally, backstage at the mamas, 10 minutes before he has to go on stage to perform.  
She stumbles out of her fitting room and into his chest, grabs his shirt out of reflex to prevent herself from falling.  
He feels her touch burning through the material of his shirt like red-hot iron. Even though she removes her hands the second she finds her balance again, he still feels them. 

Mortified she looks at him. “I am very sorry. I didn’t see you”, she bows, but he is distracted by something else.  
Her eyes are red and a little bit swollen. It looks like she has been crying.  
Before he can think clearly, remember that they don’t really know each other and it shouldn’t be his concern, the words just stumble out of his mouth.

“Are you alright? Your eyes… you-” he doesn’t really know how to finish the sentence, but she just smiles knowingly.

“I hoped it wasn’t so obvious. I’ve cried –but good tears, out of joy. I am happy. I just performed and I felt… I felt so free and you know after the performance the whole adrenalin kicks in and tears just started flowing out of my eyes.” She laughs and again he feels like he cannot breathe properly anymore. She is just too much, too much for him.

He wonders if she has any idea what effect she has on men, on him.  
He clears his throat before he speaks. He doesn’t trust his voice when she’s around him.

“That’s good, tears out of joy are good.” 

Preferably he would like to kill himself right now at this moment, but instead his ears just turn red out of the embarrassment of losing all the eloquence he ever possessed.  
Again she smiles, this time shyly. And when he returns her gaze it is the first time that he notices how small she actually is.  
On stage in high heels and with a facial expression that tells you that you shouldn’t fuck with her she always seemed to him larger than life. He never noticed how tiny and fragile she actually is.  
Suddenly he feels an unbearable urge to reach for her small frame. His fingertips long to stroke over her bare arms, her shoulder, her elegant neck, feel her pulse with his lips.  
Is it as rapid as his? He doubts it.

“I am really looking forward to your stage.” 

She should stop smiling like this otherwise he cannot help himself anymore, he thinks desperately.  
They still stand so close to each other he can smell her perfume as she flicks her long dark hair back and exposes her collarbones. He can faintly smell flowers. 

“I really wanted to see yours as well, but because we’re next there just wasn’t enough time.”  
An emotion he cannot identify fast enough flickers over her face. 

“Well, there’s always a next time.” And again her lips part into a small smile.  
He wonders how they taste.  
He knows sooner or later she will be his demise.  
But then he hears Namjoon calling for him, bringing him back to reality and reminding him of the fact that he has to be on stage just in a few minutes and with an awkward hand gesture and a hastily mumbled “sorry” he flees from her piercing eyes and is own heart which beats way too fast in his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

Every single bone in his body hurts. At this point exhaustion is a constant companion to him. Sleep deprivation is no exception anymore, but part of his daily life.

The last months were heaven and hell at the same time. He loves touring, having the opportunity to perform for so many different people, connecting through their music.  
He never ever would have imagined that he would be so lucky and he is very thankful for that. 

Nonetheless never spending more than one night at the same place is tiring. Especially when a day starts at 5 am and only ends when it already starts to dawn again.  
He has a headache since New York and nightmares since Paris.  
And she… she didn’t leave his mind since he boarded the plane that brought them from Incheon airport to the US three months ago.  
It is like her face is imprinted on the insides of his eye lids. As soon as he closes them, there she is, waiting for him, mocking him. 

He never knew one could crave for something so much, so much, the pressure on his chest feels like he is gasping for air that isn’t there, drowning.  
Tired, he is so tired. 

With a deep sigh he strokes the bridge of his nose before taking another sip from his already lukewarm beer.  
Lost in his own thoughts he stares out of the panorama window into the night sky over Seoul. Deep down, below all the weariness, he feels relieve. Finally, they are back home. 

His thoughts get disrupted rather abruptly when Jimin starts to speak without warning. For a short moment he had forgotten that he wasn’t on his own.  
Suddenly he is very much aware of the fact that he didn’t pay much attention to hiding his emotions behind a blank expression as he normally does.  
Surely the last few minutes, his face was an open book to the experienced reader. 

“Jeongguk-ah, talk to us.”

He tries to smile reassuringly, but he’s certain it looks more like a grimace.  
“I am fine, Everything’s fine.” 

“No, you are not.” Jimin doesn’t even hesitate a second. They know him too well to believe his lies. He wouldn’t have believed himself either.

Jin’s voice is unusual serious. He can feel his stare scrutinizing him. “Is it about Hwasa-ssi?” 

Silence spreads between them while Jeongguk messages his neck and plays for a second with the thought of telling them.  
He knows he can trust them with everything. He owes so much to them, too much to ever be able to repay them. The least he could do is be honest.  
If he tells something to anyone it would be them, but it is too hard to break the silence. He just can’t, if he starts talking about her everything will pour out.  
He would lose control completely.

“I am fine.” He takes another sip from his beer before he finally looks up and meets their eyes – a mistake, his Hyung’s always know when he lies.

Slowly Jin shakes his head, as if he debates with himself what he should do next. And when he finally speaks Jeongguk can’t help but feel even more guilty.

“Whatever it is I hope you know that we will always be there for you. I love you.”

“I love you too Hyung.” And he really means it.


	4. Chapter 4

Again and again he hits the punching bag. Sweat is running down his temples, his lips are pressed together and his brows are furrowed in concentration.   
The volume of the music he listens to is so loud, it echoes through the empty studio even though he uses his headphones. 

With every blow it gets easier to breath. His head is empty, because every ounce of energy that is left in his body he uses to punch as hard as he can.   
And the music is so loud, it is even able to overpower the most persistent thoughts, even the ones about her.   
He knows later he will regret it. His ears will not stop ringing for hours, but right now he does not care. He only feels relief.

One last punch before he backs away. He is breathing rapidly. Thirstily he gulps down some water and splashes his face with what is left in his bottle. 

Just as he tosses the water bottle and his headphones back in his bag he hears a noise behind him.   
It is 2 in the morning. Apart from him no one is normally here. That’s the whole reason why he prefers to train so late.   
Confused and a bit cautious he turns around just to freeze as soon as he finds the source of the noise.

She looks as surprised about his presence as he feels about hers and it makes her appear even more vulnerable than she already does.   
He has never seen her without any make up before, and it weirdly makes him confident, because the worlds they are normally apart seem to have shrunken at least a little bit.   
She looks so young and innocent with a bare face. It doesn’t make him feel the same like when she wears blood red lips and heavy eye makeup,   
like he is a small school boy who has a hopeless crush on a grown ass woman. Maybe, just maybe she will take him seriously.   
But then he remembers he is basically dripping with sweat and she, she still looks stunning as ever. 

“I am sorry I didn’t know anyone else was here. Normally I’m alone at this time.” Her voice is like silk, but it is her smile that slowly spreads over her face which makes his heart beat faster.

He clears his throat. “Don’t worry. We just came back. When I’m in Seoul I’m always here.”

“Did you have a good time abroad? I’ve heard you visited Paris. That must have been amazing!” Her eyes are so intense and full of curiosity she burns a whole into his soul solely by looking at him. 

“Yes it was, but I am also happy to be back. Very much so.” The words leave his mouth faster than he can think about them.

Her, seeing her in person, is a million times better, then searching late at night for her newest fancams and interviews.   
No camera, no matter the quality is able to capture the light she exudes. She literally radiates warmth and joy. She is so full of live sometimes it really hurts to look at her.

“Even though I love performing and I love that I can see so many different places I never thought I would ever have the chance to visit… - you just start to miss certain things after a time,   
like your home, your own bed, Han river…” you.

“I can imagine.” She looks him right in the eyes. His heart bounds in his chest dangerously close to just jumping out of his ribcage. 

The silence that spreads between them is loaded. It is dangerous, like a gas leak. Only one spark and they will go up in flames, explode, nothing will be left to safe. 

And again he asks himself if he is the only one who can feel it. Surely, otherwise she wouldn’t be able to break the silence as easily, speak as calmly as she does. 

“If you’re not already finished for today would you be willing to box a little bit with me, my usual boxing partner stood me up.” Unsure about if her request was interpreted as impolite she nervously starts playing with the handles of her bag.  
“ … I mean really just if you want to and if you have any time left Jeongguk-sshi…” His name from her lips, her lips.   
He downright has to force himself to not stare at them like a creep, wondering how they would feel against his own. 

He feels utterly ridiculous about the small notion of jealousy inside of him. For all he knows her boxing partner could be one of her friends, a trainer,   
pretty much everyone and still he cannot help himself, because there is at least a small chance that she is referring to someone much closer – more intimate.

“Sure if we’ll go and eat something afterwards”, Maybe he could make his jealousy responsible for his bold responds.   
On the other hand, his mouth always talks faster than his brain can catch up, when she’s around.   
He hates it, he hates how she makes him loose his control every time and he hates it even more because she isn’t even close to knowing it - how much power she has over him.

He doesn’t know why he just said that. He set himself up to be rejected by her and if she does so, then his heart will be broken for good. 

But against all his predictions and despite his utterly improper and clumsy behavior, she just looks at him for a moment before shrugging with her shoulders.

“Sure sounds good, I wanted to eat something afterwards anyway.”

It is this sudden warmth that fills his stomach and spreads through his body that makes him smile like a fucking idiot. But deep down there is still another feeling. Fear.   
Because he knows she is too much for him. With her there is no in between. When he is around her he feels either utterly exhilarated or like he is falling, falling down an abyss into the dark.


	5. Chapter 5

They make it into a habit to grab something to eat, when they run into each other at the fitness center and overtime it just turns into their own little routine to meet up whenever they are both in Seoul. They always go to the same small traditional restaurant late at night in the outskirts of the city. It’s not like they would have anything to hide, they are just friends, nothing more. But Jeongguk is not naïve. He knows as soon as they would be spotted with each other rumors would start to spread.   
And while he wouldn’t care anymore he’s scared that they would drive her away from him. 

Hyejin. Hyejin-ah. Late at night when he lies restless in his bed, he whispers her name over and over again into the dark. She is so utterly different from what he always imagined her to be,   
when the only thing they did was bow to each other and share pleasantries until Jin and Moonbyul would have been finished with laughing and teasing each other as close friends do.   
And this scares him, because it makes him fall even deeper for her every time he sees her, lets him forget all the effort he put into learning how to be a better man.   
It hurts. His heart clenches every time he looks at her, but it pains him even more when he doesn’t.   
This cruel feeling should not be love. It surely isn’t. 

On nights where he cannot find sleep until the early morning, he silently admits to himself that he is deceiving himself in searching for faults in her for making him feel this way.   
Because everything that Hyejin is, is kind and warmhearted. She is caring and loving. She always gives and rarely takes. She is fierce and strong and full of passion. She is loyal and thoughtful.   
She is the personification for everything he ever longed for. 

But today she is first and foremost late, so late that he starts to worry, even though he does not really know about what and therefore he feels even dumber about this initiate reaction   
\- even more so when she slides the door open to the small compartment he is waiting in, only a few minutes later. 

“Hey, how are you?” relieved to finally see her again he gets up. 

He has this strong urge to hug her, press her small body against his, the feeling is not unknown to him and as every time before he represses it.   
Instead he just helps her out of her jacket. His eyes run over her frame, as always he tries to take everything of her in, notice all the small changes.   
He isn’t happy about what he sees.   
She looks stressed and tired. Her dark long hair is disheveled and when she pulls of her mask he notices that her normally sun kissed skin is strangely greyish as if she’s ill. 

“I am so sorry that I am late!” her voice is rough and it breaks for a short moment during the sorry. 

It doesn’t escape his attention that she didn’t answer his question.   
She underestimates his persistence, when she really thinks he would let it go that easily, so he asks again. 

“Are you alright?” 

It gets quiet in the room, as she silently looks at him - really looks into his soul, as if she evaluates if she can trust him, before she answers.

“No I am not.” He notices how her bottom lip starts to tremble before she forces a smile. 

He wants to kiss it away – all the sorrow. He wants to hug her closely feel her warmth, make her smell like she is his.   
But instead he just waits patiently, waits until she is ready to talk again.  
Only to feel his heart crack another time.

“I ran into him today.”

He doesn’t have to ask who. Even though they never talked about him he knows.   
Jin had mentioned him a while ago while telling him about how he spent the night before with his 92er friends solving an escape room and drinking until dawn together.   
Moonbyul had started to complain about him, about his clinginess and how he had made Hyejin-ah unhappy for the longest time until he broke up with her a few months ago.   
He had tried to discretely learn more about him. Jin had noticed almost immediately, but had pretended to be oblivious to it, for which Jeongguk felt very thankful. 

He seemed to be a normal guy, a public servant of some sort who was more than a few years older than her.   
He remembered how he had felt anger running through his veins, poisoning his thoughts.   
How could somebody break up with her, when everything he ever yearned for was being near her? 

He misses the chance to say something before she speaks again. He would not have known what he could respond to her anyway.

“I mean, it truly was my fault. I didn’t appreciate how much he did for me until it was too late.”  
Again her lower lip starts to tremble suspiciously and again she plasters a bright, but false smile over her desperation.

“I fucked up. He truly hates me. I hurt him” Slowly she breaths in and out before adding nearly inaudible.   
“Why is he the one who has to suffer?” she hides her face with her hands. Her blood red nails make her skin look even more pale. 

“Jeongguk-ah” as she looks at him his heart stops for a second before beating twice as fast as before.   
“I am a bad person. I should have been sad. I deserved to be the one who is hurting,…but all I ever felt was relieve.”

This time she loses the fight against her tears and he over his mimic.   
He is glad her face is buried in her hands again. He would not have known how to explain him smiling.   
He shouldn’t smile he knows it himself. She is still unhappy no matter the reason. 

“But it never was due to heartbreak.” A small voice in his head whispers.   
He can’t help but feel a little bit satisfied about it.


	6. Chapter 6

He hears her voice before he sees her and it makes his heart beat faster and the corners of his mouth twitch in joyful anticipation.   
She really came.   
With his elbow he closes the door behind him while simultaneously trying not to let the two beer crates in his hands fall to the ground.   
Her voice is coming through the open balcony door. Hastily he puts down the alcohol before following her light laughter.   
They didn’t notice him yet and so he just stands there for a second observing them. Namjoon is with her.   
They both are leaning against the balustrade of the balcony, looking into the sky, arms nearly touching.   
He doesn’t really understand what they are talking about, because all he can see is their hands side by side, almost brushing against each other.

They look good together. He knows that people talk about them, even though they never interact in public.   
Namjoon doesn’t have to twist and play with his words when he speaks to her. There is no need for it, because they are not worlds apart – he doesn’t have to call her noona.   
They would be picture perfect. 

When he hears her laugh again, looking so utterly happy his stomach contracts painfully. The exhilaration he just felt a few seconds ago is gone.   
Instead he feels like throwing up. He clenches his jaw and fists together.   
He loves Namjoon and if there would be any rationality left in him, he would remember that Namjoon loves him as well - would never do anything to hurt him.   
He wouldn’t have the urge to punch his brother in the face, but there isn’t and therefore he leaves them out there before he does something stupid.   
He isn’t fast enough though, before he is able to flee from them, Hyejin-ah calls out his name.   
He can hear the delight in her honey voice. He gulps down the urge to turn around, look at her. Instead he forces himself to walk straight to his room. 

His rage takes over as soon as he closes the door behind him.   
Angrily he punches against the white wall. Tomorrow he will be angry with himself for being so impulsive, when his knuckles will be red and swollen, but the realization has yet to come.   
Right now he doesn’t care. His breathing is heavy and irregular.   
He tries to calm himself down, but every time the beats of his heart stop overshadowing every other sound he sees her again, laughing. 

Namjoon is eloquent and intelligent. He always admired him for that - wished he could just be a little bit more like him.   
Because Jeongguk shines in a lot of things without even trying hard, but when it comes to his education, he is always very well aware of the many hours he should have spent on studying instead of training, he should have concentrated on school instead of thinking about their next performance.   
It doesn’t matter how often Yoongi or Jin praise him, the self-doubt doesn’t disappear. 

There is a soft knock on his door. “Are you alright Jeongguk-ha? Can I come in?” 

His heart stops. 

Feeling angry and desperate he runs his fingers through his hair, before opening the door for her. 

Worried she looks up to his face. “Is everything okay?” 

Again he clenches his fists together, tries to control all his demons, put them on a leash.   
He doesn’t want her to see them. He’s sure she would run away. His breathing is still unusual heavy and the rage is still boiling just under the surface.   
In an attempt to compose himself he closes his eyes and tries to focus on his fast beating heart.   
Why does she not see him? He is standing right in front of her, why does she still not see him?

“Jeongguk-ah”

Desperately the words stumble out of his mouth “Please stop.” 

He hears surprise in her voice “With what?”

“You torture me!” he wants to scream “I hate you. I hate how helpless I feel when you’re around me.” But instead he just keeps quiet. 

“You make me worried.” She says and then he tears his eyes open in the split of a second, when her small fragile fingers suddenly touch his cheek.

“This is all your fault” he snarls at her, before he pushes her against the wall and crushes his mouth against hers.

A firework explodes in his chest as soon as their lips touch. He feels like drowning. He feels like she is his last lifeline. If he stops kissing her he will surely die. 

But then he realizes that she doesn’t respond. The sound that involuntary escapes his mouth resembles the cry of an injured animal as he lets his lips linger for a few more seconds against her unmoving mouth. 

He feels as if he has a fever. His head is burning. He doesn’t want to open his eyes. He is not ready for heartbreak. As long as he doesn’t look her in the eyes, he can still lie to himself. 

A cynic laugh leaves his lips as he slowly steps away from her, brings distance between them. His eyes are still avoiding her. His ears burn out of embarrassment. He feels miserable.   
Why couldn’t he control himself? Desperation. He just ruined every chance of ever being near her again, of her trusting him. 

“I am sorry. Please -.”

But before he can finish his pleading he suddenly feels her small hands in his hair pulling him back to her and as their lips collide a second time she is the one who initiates the kiss.   
He feels like falling as he kisses her back. She tastes like summer. Her fingers cling to his shirt. He can feel her nails painfully scratching over his back.   
It doesn’t matter to him. As long as she doesn’t stop kissing him nothing matters to him anymore.


	7. Chapter 7

It is still hot, even though the sun has already gone down.   
The heat is so oppressive; it feels like he has to wade through water when he strolls cautiously checking if anybody is observing him, towards the entrance of the apartment block.   
He already knew he was heading into dangerous territory before he opened the car door and got out of the vehicle. 

The ten meters to the entrance, the two minutes he needs, to get to the front door, type in the code and enter the apartment complex are crucial.   
If just a single soul recognizes him and takes a picture, chaos would erupt almost immediately. 

He doesn’t want to think about the consequences, about how much they risk. He can’t help himself yet again.   
He cannot stop being foolishly thoughtless. Even despite knowing all too well what is at stake here. 

He is so very selfish. Grasping for her, consciously ignoring the aftermath of their actions, of his actions.   
He is not worried for himself. If the public ever finds out it will disgorge its anger, be furious with him for a while, but soon it will forget. 

They will not treat her the same. They will not give her the benefit of the doubt. 

Because she is she and moreover she is a woman. He is almost certain that they would butcher her. They would be out for her blood. 

Even though a lot has changed, the general public still has a very ugly habit of shaming a female idol for things they would forgive and forget in a day, would it be the action of a man.   
Hell – they are even able to ignore crimes, if it’s a male celebrity committing them. 

When it comes to Hyejin-ah they are not so compliant. He sometimes has the feeling that for every tenth person who loves her dearly, there’s at least one who really would take pleasure in seeing her fall.   
And therefore, despite of the hot weather he wears a hoodie, his hands are buried deep in his pockets and only the visor of his cap is visible underneath the big hood.   
Dark sunglasses are sitting on his nose and a mask does its job in covering the rest of his face.

Maybe he can’t stop being reckless and egoistic and utterly careless, but that doesn’t mean that he will not try everything to at least protect her from the selfishness of others. 

He stands very much out from the few people who are also in the quiet side road at this hour - wearing clothing which would be more appropriate for a mild autumn day than a sultry summer evening.   
But at least they will not be able to identify him for who he really is. 

Again he looks over his shoulder before typing in the code, carefully making sure to hide his tattooed hand in the oversized sleeve of his sweater while doing so. 

He hates this notion. He hates that this collusiveness makes him feel like she is a dirty little secret of him, something he has to hide at all costs,   
when in reality she is everything to him, everything but this. 

Is he really asking for too much? Is the price he has to pay for happiness really something he is not able to afford? 

While he waits for the elevator to reach the top floor he removes the mask, his sunglasses and the cap.   
With every floor the lift passes he can feel how his heart bumps faster and faster blood trough his veins. 

Again nearly a month has passed since he saw her, really saw her, not only through the screen of his phone. His fingers tingle in anticipation.   
His throat feels unusual dry. Touching her, feeling her warm skin under his fingertips will soon not only be a figment of his imagination anymore. 

The elevator comes to a hold, the doors open and he has to remind himself to breath, breath in and out, because the only obstacle left to overcome is a wall separating him from finally seeing her again.   
He doesn’t question anymore why she has so much power over him. It wouldn’t change anything anyway. 

Again he slowly breaths in and out before pressing the bell. Of course it doesn’t help him calming himself down.   
Instead his heartbeat only gets faster when he hears her soft footsteps approaching the door. They halter for a second, so does his breathing.   
He knows it is because she is looking through the peephole, checking who rang the bell. 

There is so much joy, so many endorphins flooding through his body. It should scare the hell out of him. How can only one person be responsible for this? 

But with her there is no time for doubts, literally, because the next second the door flies open and he nearly cannot open his arms fast enough before she already jumps into them,   
before he can hear her light-hearted giggles and feels how she presses sweet little kisses all over the sensitive skin of his neck.   
He’s sure he is in danger of dying, dying of happiness.   
His heart is beating so fast, if it speeds up any more he certainly will have a heart attack. 

“I missed you.” She whispers softly in his ear.

He cannot answer with words. It is so hard to concentrate, when she’s so near and therefore he just brings her body even closer to his own and buries his face in her neck.   
Her smell is addictive, sweet and exquisite and oh so familiar.   
Wherever she is, is home. 

“We should go inside before someone sees us.” His voice sounds unusual rough even to his own ears. 

It is a shabby excuse. Right now he doesn’t care if somebody spots them, but he needs more than just a simple hug.   
This is not enough. Nothing is enough when it comes to her. This longing never ends.   
It is this kind of yearning that hurts and makes him feel alive and drives him crazy all at the same time. 

Her hand finds his and she interlaces her delicate fingers with his chapped ones and pulls him inside of her apartment.  
Impatiently he shuts the door behind them. 

“I really missed you” she says again looking at him, burning holes in his soul and before he can do anything more she finally kisses him. 

Time freezes, the universe stands still, his senses explode – there is only she and her lips on his - and his hands grasping for her, finding his way under her shirt, feeling her warm skin under his fingers. He can hear how she sharply draws in air, when his fingertips softly follow the curve of her spine.   
He enjoys how she is affected by him, how she starts to breath irregularly when he slips his hand under the elastic band of her sweatpants. 

“Tell me what you want.” He can hear the lust in his own voice. 

He doesn’t give her the time to answer.   
Instead of an undoubtedly cheeky response, a soft moan escapes her mouth, when his hand finds a way between her legs.   
In an attempt to steady herself she wraps her arms around his neck.   
She is so tiny that she has to arch her back and stand on her tip toes to reach his shoulders and in the process of doing so her whole body rubs against his and he is the one who sharply has to draw in air. He can feel everything. He is not fool enough to think that she doesn’t know what she does to him. 

His assumption gets confirmed when she opens her expressive eyes and looks at him again.   
There is no way someone could not notice the mischievous sparks in them. 

“I see you’ve missed me too.” Her honey voice betrays her as well. 

“Yes.” He whispers against her lips “You still wear too much.” 

Again she smiles “Than I suggest you to do something about that.”

She doesn’t have to ask him twice.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I'm really sorry for the late update. I just had a lot of stress, because of university.  
Anyway this will be the last chapter of this story. I really hope you'll enjoy it.

Panic is all he can feel - running through his veins, making him unable to do anything apart from sitting there, in front of his computer, in a state of shock, looking at the screen, staring at the headline. 

“No, no, no!” This cannot happen. What should he do, what should he do? He cannot think straight.  
A few minutes ago he felt happy, so happy, but now – “Fuck, FUCK!” 

A sharp pain runs through his hand, when his knuckles meet the surface of his desk. 

He has to see her, now. 

Erratically he searches for his car keys. He feels sick.  
He jerks around when someone suddenly opens the door to his room. 

“You said you will be back in a moment? Now it’s already 10 minutes after midnight. Hobi already opened the champagne. We’re only waiting for you to grace us with your presence.”

The smile that was plastered on Jin’s face is gone in a second when he sees Jeongguk’s expression.

“Jeongguk-ha everything alright?” 

He tries, but the words don’t want to leave his mouth. There is yet again this small irrational hope in him. Maybe, as long as nobody says it out loud it isn’t true.  
Maybe it is just a bad dream. Maybe he will wake up in the morning and everything will be fine.

But he doesn’t have to talk, doesn’t have to explain anything, because Jin catches sight of the screen of his computer  
\- or more so the internet page, which Jeongguk didn’t have the time to close yet. 

There is not even a hint of a smile left on Jin’s face. 

“Is she at home?” 

He is only able to nod.

“Then I will drive you. You have to tell her.”

“I’m able to drive myself.” He is all too aware about how much he sounds like a little stubborn child, he feels like it as well – completely helpless. 

“No not in this condition and apart from that you’re drunk anyway.”

There is no point in arguing. He sees it clearly in Jin’s face.

“Fine.”

“Get Namjoon, while I get the car keys. You have to tell him.”

When he does not move, Jin grabs his chin and forces him gently to look at him.

“Jeongguk this is not the right moment for you to have a mental break down. I need you to be fully present – she needs you.  
Later there is enough time – enough time to fall apart, but not now, do you hear me? Not now”

Jin’s voice is firm, something to hold on to in this ocean of desperation and shock. It brings Jeongguk back to the here and now – were all hell broke loose. 

“Okay.”

“You will get through this Jeongguk-ha. There may be chaos, but you’ll get through this alive.”

For a moment it is quiet in the room, so quiet, that they can hear the muffled laughter’s of the others in the living room,  
still oblivious to what has happened, unknowing of the upcoming storm that will leash its anger upon them tomorrow morning.  
Because the truth is, he will not take the only blow. It will affect them all, their whole image.  
He cannot even think about the consequences it will have for her, otherwise he’ll go insane.

“I am not worried about myself.” He finally confesses weakly.

“I know.”

“I am sorry.”

“For what? Love is no crime Jeongguk-ha. No one has the right to expect from you to give up your own happiness.  
They do not own you and you certainly owe nothing to them if they think they do. I love you -we all love you. We can handle the consequences.” 

There is no anger in Jin’s voice nor any accusation, just sincerity. 

“Now tell Namjoon-ah, so he can call the PD. I will wait by the car.” 

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

This time he doesn’t feel happiness or joy, just guilt and despair that multiplies with every step he gets closer to her apartment. 

He isn’t all jittery.  
His heart isn’t in danger of jumping out of his ribcage the next moment, instead it is heavy, like a stone in his chest, pulling him underwater, drowning him in misery. 

This is not how the new year was supposed to start. They’ve planned so many things.  
None of them are possible anymore – now in this new reality, where they – just like that, like it was nothing to them, revealed his most precious secret. 

Jin had squeezed his hand before he got out of the car. He had tried to reassure him, told him again, that everything would turn out fine in the end.  
And if Jeongguk was still the little boy, feeling all homesick and lonely, he would have believed him. But he isn’t anymore.  
Instead he is all too aware of the fact that even Seokjin no matter how perfect he is, is capable of being mistaken.  
Regardless of how much he yearns for it, Jin is not enough anymore to calm him down.

His hand trembles a bit when he finally presses the bell. 

The door flies open only seconds later and he cannot help but think that she looked never prettier before.

She wears her long dark hair in one of these messy buns, which are so typical for her, her small body is covered by one of his T-shirts and her eyes contain whole oceans of stars. 

“I didn’t expect you. I thought you would-” she interrupts herself, when his eyes meet hers. The happy smile on her lips dies in a second.

“Jeongguk-ha, what’s wrong?”

Gently she pulls him closer to her into the apartment and closes the door behind them. 

It is when she cups his face softly with the utmost care that all the built up tension finally gets released and he isn’t able anymore to hold himself together.

“I am so sorry. I-”  
he can’t stop the heart-rendering sob from escaping his throat, but she doesn’t give him time to feel embarrassed about crying in front of her instead she hugs him,  
tries to enclose him with her tiny body, put him together again.

As always her apartment isn’t lit and they somehow find their way to her bed in the dark. He buries his face in her neck, tries to calm himself down with her oh so familiar smell. 

“They found out about us. They know, somehow they have pictures of us – I don’t know how.  
I am so sorry it’s my fault. I was too greedy, I’m always so greedy when it comes to you. I am sorry.”

He feels how her body stiffens for a moment as realization hits her and he presses her even closer against his body too scared of looking her in the eyes, too scared of the possibility of her leaving.

But she doesn’t try to push him away. Instead she just hugs him even tighter, brings his body as close to her own as possible.  
Her fingers draw small circles on his back, they sooth his pain, make it all a little bit more bearable. 

At first he doesn’t notice how her body starts to vibrate, but when she stops drawing circles and instead grabs his shirt as to find something to hold on to, he finally understands that she is crying as well. And if he ever naively thought he already experienced the most excruciating pain, he is proven wrong.  
Nothing had every hurt as much as knowing that she is suffering.

Jeongguk tries, tries with all his power to prevent her from falling to pieces.  
They hold on to each other in the dark, in the weak attempt of trying to shield each other from all the pain and anguish. 

Her voice is breaking when she finally speaks.

“I don’t care. I love you.”

The bittersweet confession hits him unexpectedly. It makes his heart beat unhealthily fast and fills his stomach with thousands of butterflies. 

She loves him. Ahn Hyejin loves him.

But limitless joy gets soon tainted again with ugly reality.

“I am not good for you.” he whispers into the dark.

“That’s not up to you to decide.” 

He doesn’t have to see her to know that she has this daring expression on her face, the one which makes her eyes sparkle even brighter and him fall in love with her all over again.

Silence descends upon them for a short moment, because being truthful, is hard, making himself vulnerable demands all his courage and Jeongguk just needs a little time to gather it. 

Gently he kisses her tears away and interlocks her fingers with his.

“I love you. I love you so much that sometimes it even scares me.” 

He forgets to breath while waiting anxiously for a reaction from her and when she finally redeems him by kissing him, softly smiling against his lips,  
it makes him feel like he accomplished everything he could have ever wished for.

Maybe, just maybe they will stand a chance.  
As long as he is able to bring her more joy than harm, as long as there is any hope left for them he is not willing to let her got.  
As long as she will have him he does not care about the price he has to pay.

Maybe, just maybe, they are not worlds apart after all and maybe live isn’t cruel for once and he doesn’t have to hate her for being everything he wanted, but never his.


End file.
